Summary
The journal article, “Re-discovery of Silence in Pastoral Care,” written by Shuji Moriichi (2009) focuses on the power of silence and listening when ministering to care seekers (pp. 1-6). In an American society where divisive combative politics and rude social media outbursts represent power and strength, Moriichi’s article may be more relevant today than when it was written almost a decade ago. The author’s thesis attempts to prove a counter-cultural movement toward silence, listening, and empathy is more powerful in building relationships and caring for those in need, than the incessant need to talk, give advice, or offer interpretative evaluations (Moriichi, p. 5).
Professional Spiritual & Pastoral Care: A Practical Clergy and Chaplain’s Handbook
Moriichi’s (2009) background provides the backdrop for his observations (p. 2). Through his own childhood cross-cultural experience in Japan, he has firsthand experience of the benefits of a high-context culture that values the nuances of non-verbal forms of communication over verbal expressions (Moriichi, p. 2). However, Moriichi insightfully acknowledges that words can be wielded as weapons, but silence also has potential weaknesses (p. 3). Silence may be used to avoid confrontation or manipulate (p. 3). Furthermore, the risks associated with a high-context form of communication include overthinking responses and attempting to read people’s minds at times when a direct request for clarification may be most appropriate (p. 2). These risks notwithstanding, Christianity has a long history that recognizes silence as a powerful force (p. 4-5).
The message of the Benedictine Monks, the Desert Fathers, and more recently, Henri Nouwen all highlight the importance of being rather than doing, listening rather than talking, and responding empathically rather than giving advice (Moriichi, 2009, p. 4-5). Moriichi also recognizes that not only is silence a gift of God, but God manifests the power of silence as He listens to our prayers, comforts our hearts, and heals our wounds (Moriichi, p. 5). In sum, while verbal initiative and clarifications are often appropriate, pastoral counseling would do well to intentionally deploy the power of silence as a healing force in a world full of wounded people (p. 4-5).
Interaction
My initial response to the article was positive and supportive of my own experience as a caregiver, who has learned the power of listening and empathy over the years. The insights I gained from reading the article included a deeper understanding of cultural diversity, the risks of silence, and the character of God. First, it is easy to assume that one’s cultural perspectives are “right.” However, contrary to much of American culture, the author’s explanation of a culture that honors nonverbal expression aligns closely with certain truths of Scripture: “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak…” (James 1:19, New International Version). Second, as a caregiver, self-awareness is critical. Pastoral counselors must honestly assess whether their motivation for silence originates from fear or from a desire to extend comfort and care. Third, it is difficult to overestimate the importance of recognizing that God is a God of silence, and through His silence, He effectively communicates His love, truth, power, and might.
As a pastoral counselor, I have recognized the power of silence, listening, and empathy to effectuate change in the lives of care seekers. Accordingly, the primary reason for my interest in the article is to enhance my ministry impact and further support the individuals I counsel. Based upon this article, I plan to continue to explore the power of silence by reading works by Henri Nouwen (2003), which include The Way of the Heart: Connecting with God Through Prayer, Wisdom, and Silence.
Talkers often justify their responses as an effort to help. However, in a counseling environment as well as relationships in general, the necessity to talk often has more to do with the pain of the talker than the pain of the care seeker. It pains the counselor to see people suffer. The quicker the person is relieved of suffering the quicker the counselor can experience relief. Unfortunately, attempts to heal or fix may backfire. Often advice-giving results in defensiveness, and evaluation results in blame, when the person suffering simply needs the psychological space extended from an empathic ear or a quiet hug.
Application
My son, Connor, had just finished his freshman year at college. After moving back home, he started working at a local restaurant. Connor called me one afternoon and asked if I could meet him at the restaurant. I could tell he was upset. When I entered the restaurant, Connor came out and sat at one of the tables with me. He started to cry. I asked if he would like to take a walk outside. We started walking toward a local park. Connor explained that he had begun using marijuana at college with his friends, believed he was addicted, and wanted to kill himself.
At this point, many parents would reply with advice-giving and threats in response to the drug use and simultaneously react with fear in response to the suicide threat. I decided to stay silent. As we walked, Connor continued talking by telling the story of how he succumbed to peer pressure and took his first hit of marijuana. He then told stories of the numerous times that he attempted to quit. Finally, Connor concluded that he could not quit, and now he just wanted to end it all. I finally broke my silence and asked Connor how he planned to take his life. Connor did not have a plan for a time, place, or method. At this point, I was confident the suicide threat came more from a feeling of discouragement, rather than active effort to execute the act.
I asked Connor if he was interested in brainstorming some potential solutions. Connor admitted that he really wanted to solve the problem. I took out my phone and opened a document application. I told Connor that I would listen to him and take notes as he brainstormed through ways to solve the problem. At first, Connor said he did not know where to start. Instead of trying to fix Connor, I decided to stay silent. After a long pause, Connor decided he needed to reach out for help from other people, rather than trying to solve the problem on his own. I took notes and remained silent. After a few more minutes, Connor decided he needed some accountability, but was not sure how that would work. Again, I took notes and remained silent. A few more minutes went by and Connor restated that he was very motivated to stop using marijuana. Connor then explained that he thought that taking a drug test each week and putting the results on my vanity for proof might hold him accountable and help him stop. I took more notes and remained silent. Finally, Connor asked me if I would help him with his plan. I agreed to help Connor, told him that I was proud of him for taking steps in solving his problem, and then hugged my son.
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References
- Moriichi, S. (2009). Re-discovery of silence in pastoral care. Journal of Pastoral Care & Counseling, 63(1-2), 1–6.
- Nouwen, H. (2003). The way of the heart: Connecting with God through prayer, wisdom, and silence. New York: Ballantine Books.
